What Drives Your Approach?
If you lead people, conflict isn’t optional. The real question is whether you lead it—or let it build until it starts leading you.
And not just the obvious kind. Not just the disagreement in a meeting or the pushback on a decision. It’s the quieter version too. The behavior everyone notices but no one addresses. The issue that keeps resurfacing because it was never actually resolved.
Here’s what we’ve seen in our work: Most leaders don’t struggle to recognize conflict.
They struggle with what to do once they see it.
Why We Wait (and Why It Backfires)
Early in my career, I had someone on my team who was consistently late and missed deadlines. But when he was on, he was really good.
So, I did what a lot of managers do. I told myself it would work itself out.
It didn’t.
By the time I finally addressed it, I came in too strong. (I know, shocking!) My frustration had been building for weeks, and the conversation reflected that. He got defensive. I got more direct. And the whole thing went sideways.
This is the pattern. We wait. Frustration builds. Then we overcorrect. And instead of addressing the issue clearly, we’re reacting to everything that’s built up around it.
So the goal isn’t just to address conflict. It’s to address it earlier—and to handle it in a way that actually moves things forward.
A Simple Way to Think About It
At its core, strong conflict leadership comes down to four steps:
Notice
Choose
Address
Solve
Most leaders are already good at noticing. Where things break down is in the middle—how we choose to approach the situation and how we start the conversation.
Because how you start often determines where it goes.
Choosing the Right Approach
One of the biggest reasons conflict goes sideways is that leaders rely too heavily on their default style. Some move toward conflict quickly and directly. Some prioritize the relationship and try to smooth things over. Others give it time and hope it resolves on its own.
None of those are wrong. They just become a problem when they’re your only move.
Tools like the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) help put language to this. Every response to conflict is a balance between advocating for your concerns and considering someone else’s.
But the real takeaway is this: The situation should drive your approach—not your default.
There are moments where being direct and decisive is exactly what’s needed. There are others where slowing down, asking questions, and working toward a shared solution leads to a better outcome.
Strong leaders don’t get stuck in one style. They adjust based on what the situation requires.
Starting the Conversation Clearly
Even when you choose the right approach, there’s still one place most people hesitate: starting the conversation.
Say too little, and nothing changes. Say too much, and the other person gets defensive. This is where structure helps.
Situation – Behavior – Impact (SBI)
It keeps the conversation grounded in what actually happened instead of drifting into assumptions or personal judgments.
For example:
“During the team meeting this morning (Situation), I noticed you checked your phone several times while others were presenting (Behavior), and it can come across as disengaged and distracting for the group (Impact).”
It’s clear without being aggressive. Direct without making it personal. And just as important, it creates space for the conversation to move forward:
“Help me understand what was going on from your perspective.”
That’s where progress starts.
The Difference It Makes
Most leaders don’t avoid conflict because they don’t care. They avoid it because it’s uncomfortable—and they don’t trust themselves to handle how the other person might respond. But waiting doesn’t make the conversation easier. It makes it heavier.
Choosing an approach that fits the situation.
Starting the conversation clearly.
Addressing the issue before it builds into something bigger.
Those aren’t big shifts. But they change everything about how the conversation unfolds—and what happens after it.
Because the leaders who handle conflict best aren’t the ones who avoid it. They’re the ones who step in early, stay clear, and take ownership of the conversation.